In Search of a Fix

I’m painting. WTF?

I may not be writing, but I am painting.

I haven’t picked up a brush (for non-walls painting) since I was 14 years old. And it was a very brief experience.

Art class was off the beaten path for me. Performing arts (theatre, band class) was more my thing. Translating what I saw in my head to something tangible was like squeezing proverbial blood from a stone. It was a painful struggle with only a meek ugly outcome. (And, now that I think about it, it was a birthing process after which I cringed at the newborn. Eek.)

Now, many, many years later, I find myself drawn (haha) to take up the brush again.

As previously reported, passion has been lacking. Motivation to write is weak. However, the desire to ride the delicious high of being in the flow has me stepping outside the bounds of my normal existence.

Where did the passion go? Maybe it’s here.

I’m desperate as an addict is to find their next fix. Suddenly, nothing creative is off-limits.

Brave intuitive painting…what??

I attended the Gathering of Creatives in December, specifically seeking inspiration. I shrugged off the writing events and attended only the visual art events.

A month and a half later, I’m painting still. I don’t care if I’m producing a beautiful product. I’m learning to play again. And that was the true draw for me as a writer to writing: being witness to the flow of emotions and words and stories as they emerged from my fingers. I was curious. I was in wonder. It was magical.

True play is surrendering to the moment, to the ‘what if’ and being curious.

The amazing thing is that, as I’m putting brush to canvas, I actually like what’s coming out. I have no expectations and I’m learning to be curious again.

And with the play, with the surrender, I am also learning to be patient and compassionate with myself. Those old self-imposed limitations — I can’t draw figures, my proportions suck — are slowly being held to the light and examined. It’s truly amazing what happens when you let go of expectations and just show up with curiosity.

What happens when I do this?

So, this is the approach I’m now applying to, not only my writing, but also my life: I am releasing my expectations, I am following what feels good, I am being patient and being curious about what is going on. If I never creatively write again, that’s okay. But, for now, I’m here, being curious, being an explorer, and following what feels good right here, right now.

A shout out here to those artists during the Gathering of Creatives 2020 who have (unknowingly) helped me to this present moment:

Flowa Bowley – Brave Intuitive Painting

Whitney Freya – Sacred Painting Practice

Amy Maricle – Art Alchemy

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